


DNA

by lucyisalive



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: A little bit of angst, A little bit of fluff, Grief/Mourning, It's culmets - you guys know the drill, M/M, Science, philosophical musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-03-28 07:36:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13899366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucyisalive/pseuds/lucyisalive
Summary: Paul wants to bring Hugh back to life, but he's worried about the potential cost.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [ДНК](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14048856) by [Mr_Sandwave](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Sandwave/pseuds/Mr_Sandwave)



> Many thanks to @PhysicsIsLife for beta-reading this for me! If you haven't yet read her fanfiction, check it out here, it's awesome :) https://archiveofourown.org/works/13653840/chapters/31359756

Paul stood in the bathroom for a long time, lost in thought.

He thought he’d made up his mind. He thought he was committed to this. He knew he couldn’t go on without Hugh, knowing that there was a chance, just a _chance_ , that he was still out there, that there was a way to bring him back. Still, every few days, he had moments like this, where he would stop, and think, and wonder if what he was doing was right.

After all, trying to bring someone back from the dead was _such_ a mad scientist cliché. And when did it ever end well?

_No. You’ve done all the calculations. All the research. You know what you’re doing. There’s no reason this won’t work. You have to try at least._  

He wondered if Hugh would be doing the same if their positions were reversed. Part of him thought that he would, that Hugh would be just as broken without him as he was without Hugh. Just as desperate to find a way to reverse it.

But then Hugh was always… stronger, somehow. Wiser, for sure. Perhaps he would have found the strength and the wisdom to grieve, and then move on. That would be healthier, certainly.

And also… Hugh was a doctor. He’d always been more concerned with _ethical_ issues than Paul. First rule of doctoring: do no harm.

_He’d dead. He’s dead for fucks sake there’s nothing you can do that will harm him more than that._

Empty excuse, he knew it. What he was about to do would cross a million ethical lines. 

After all, there was a reason that accelerated cloning was banned in the Federation. Growing a fully mature adult human body in the space of a few days had been medically possible for a hundred years now, but those first test subjects that those _mad scientists_ had presented to the world had been so empty _,_ so devoid of life. Oh sure, they had beating pulses and breathing lungs, but behind the eyes…nothing at all. Turns out you could grow a body, but not a person. 

Paul had read about those experiments when he was very young. He had promised himself that he would never become like those scientists, the kind that pursued knowledge out of some desire for glory, or even worse, some perverse God complex. For him, it was all about truth, letting the Universe reveal its wonders. 

And yet… here he was. 

_It’s not the same. That’s not why you’re doing it, not for glory, but for Hugh._

But he was still doing it. 

Hugh wouldn’t be like those empty bodies though. No, he would be Hugh, because _Hugh_ was still out there, trapped in the mycelial network, waiting to be reunited with his body. 

Or rather, his new body, his old one having been cremated. Paul was still angry about that. 

But it didn’t have to matter, that his old body was gone. People were not simply their bodies. New body, old mind. Old soul. 

Paul sighed. He’d never used to believe in souls. He was a scientist. Rational. People had their bodies, and their minds, and that’s all they were. That was enough for him. 

But then he’d encountered Hugh in the mycelial network, and now… he wasn’t sure about anything anymore. 

Maybe it _had_ just been Hugh’s mind he’d spoken too. Perhaps a mind _could_ exist externally to a body, within the network. 

Or maybe it had been Hugh’s soul, reaching out to him from beyond the grave, guiding his way home. 

Or maybe the distinction was irrelevant in the end. All that mattered was that everything that made Hugh who he was, that made him a _person,_ was trapped in the network; and Paul could bring him back.

If only the voices in his head would shut up. 

_You don’t know if he’s still trapped there._  

_Of course he is, I saw him there. Where else would he be?_  

_Perhaps he’s moved on._  

_Moved on to WHAT?_  

Paul sighed again. Just like souls, he’d never believed in an afterlife. But Hugh… well Hugh hadn’t exactly believed either, but he’d always been a bit more open to the idea than Paul. It was something he’d liked to think about, to wonder about occasionally. 

What if Hugh was in paradise? If such a thing existed, that’s where he’d be, Paul at least knew that for sure. There was no-one as profoundly _good_ as his dear doctor. 

If Hugh was no longer in the mycelial network, then all of this would be for nothing. 

Perhaps the network _was_ paradise. It had certainly felt that way to Paul, sometimes. Perhaps Hugh had found rest there. Had found bliss. Peace.  

Did he really have the right to drag Hugh away from that? To bring him back to this harsh, violent world just because Paul couldn’t bear the idea of facing it alone. 

Would Hugh do it? He was stronger, wiser… and more selfless too. Perhaps he would simply let things be. 

Paul stood still for what felt like an age, indecisive, afraid. And then, slowly, like the rising of the tide in its inevitability, his face set in stone. 

He reached for the toothbrush in front of him. Although it had been many weeks now, he knew that Hugh’s DNA would still be on it. He didn’t need much to start the process. 

_This was my favourite time with you too. We can have those times again._  

Shaking slightly, he turned towards the door, to head back down to his lab. 

_Hugh, I’m sorry. Forgive me. I need you, my dear doctor. I need you._


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks once again to @PhysicsIsLife for beta-reading this chapter!

Everything was ready.

Paul lay in the spore drive chamber, the mycelium dancing around him, the augments on his arms open and waiting. And next to him…

_It’s not Hugh. Not yet anyway._

Paul had to keep reminding himself of that fact. It was difficult though, it looked exactly like his dear doctor. The procedure had gone far better than he could have hoped; the body next to him was healthy, human, and for all intents and purposes, completely braindead. Not for much longer though.

There was just one last thing to do.

“Computer, play Kasseelian opera. The aria Hugh loved. Then, engage the drive.”

He felt the spore drive apparatus pierce his forearms. As he began to lose consciousness, he could hear the swell of the music rise around him. He closed his eyes.

 

xxxxxx

 

The network was just as he remembered it. The way it had been in the beginning that is – before the corruption. Beautiful and vast, with endless pathways, possibilities and permutations unfolding in tendrils all around him. He could have stayed and watched it forever, but there was something far more important he needed to do.

Gathering his thoughts, he reached out, seeking that presence which was already encroaching on the edges of his consciousness, getting closer… 

_Hugh._

He pushed through the forest, entire universes brushing by his fingertips. He was dimly aware of his body, catatonic in the spore drive back on Discovery, pumping adrenaline through his veins. Not long now.

He could see a light through the trees, could feel that presence get closer with every second. He pushed through the undergrowth into the clearing, and there…

There he was. Standing, just 10 feet away, waiting.

Paul knew that what he was seeing was more than a mere image. He was somehow standing in the presence of his love’s entire being: mind, soul and spirit. Everything that Hugh was, his compassion, his love, his genius, was laid bare, as much a part of him as his hands or his face or his eyes. He was almost breathtaking in his beauty, bathed in golden light, warm and soft and so _alive_.

And in that moment, Paul knew what it was to be a drowning man coming up for air, a starving man standing before a banquet, a blind man seeing the sun. He thought 10 weeks had been enough time to come to terms with what he’d lost, to wrap his head around the hole in his being.

He’d had no idea.

Hugh gazed at him, the shock in his eyes soon melting into adoration and reverence. For a few moments, or perhaps an age, neither one moved, neither one spoke. They simply stood and drank in the other. And then…

“Paul?”

The sound of his voice. They sound of his voice saying _his name_. Paul closed his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed.

“Paul… is it really you?”

Paul closed the distance between them in three quick strides and all but flung himself into Hugh’s arms. Hugh immediately pulled him into a tight embrace. And god, if seeing him had been overwhelming, if hearing his voice had been almost too much, then it was nothing compared to this.

Paul pressed his face tightly into Hugh’s shoulder. It was many moments before he felt the strength to answer. “It’s really me.”

Hugh pulled back, and gazed into his eyes, full of love and wonder. “How… how are you here?”

“Same way as before. I plugged myself into the network using the spore drive back on the Discovery.”

Hugh’s features were suddenly clouded with panic. “No, Paul! It’s too dangerous! The last time this happened you almost didn’t find your way back!”

“But I did! I did thanks to you! And I’ll find my way back again. And I won’t be alone.” Paul saw confusion in his love’s eyes. And more than that, he _felt_ it, in this place where thought and emotion were not constrained within the boundaries of bodies.

Reaching out to cup Hugh’s face, he spoke gently. “I’m bringing you back with me.”

“Paul… you know I can’t come back. I’m gone. I’m dead.”

“Not for much longer. I found a way to bring you back.”

He could feel Hugh’s fear now. It cut right down to his heart, the thought that he had made his love afraid. He tried to reach out with soothing comfort. “I used your DNA to create a new body for you. It’s plugged into the spore drive on the Discovery, just like mine.”

Hugh’s fingers strengthened their grip on his shoulders. “Damnit Paul, that’s illegal! You could go to prison for that! Oh, you brilliant and reckless maniac, what have you _done_?”

He sounded deathly afraid. And there was pain too, that was even worse than the fear. But a small selfish part of Paul deep inside couldn’t help but relish in how Hugh was worried for him, concerned for him. It was one of the things he’d missed the most.

He pulled Hugh back into his arms. He came willingly, resting his head on Paul’s shoulder. “It’s okay, my dear doctor, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

“Why? Why would you do this? Why would you take such a risk?”

_Do you really need to ask me that, my love? I really didn’t tell you enough, did I?_

Paul took a deep breath. If it were possible, he tried to bare himself even more, tried to show Hugh the reason, as he had always done before. “You know why.”

Paul could sense Hugh’s understanding, mixed in with the maelstrom of his emotions. Love and fear and sorrow and desperation and confusion all fighting for dominance. Paul knew that he could not force this. He knew it had to be Hugh’s choice. And so he steeled himself to do the hardest thing he would ever do.

“I know that I’m messing with things that shouldn’t be messed with. I know the rules of life and death can’t just be ignored. I know that if I bring you back… I don’t know what the price might be.”

Hugh pulled back again, gazing at him, transfixed.

“I know all that. But I’m willing to take that risk. I already have, if there’s going to be a price then I’ll be paying it, no matter what,” Paul took a deep breath. “But if you can’t… if you want to stay here, I’ll understand. Truly. I had to try, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try. But I’ll understand if you can’t.”

Hugh continued to stare at him for a long time, his warm dark eyes fixed on Paul’s blue, the intensity of his gaze so great that it seemed for a moment like a physical connection. When he spoke, his voice did not waver.

“Paul. All I have ever wanted is a life with you. A long life, a _full_ life, where we support each other and love each other and grow old together and fall asleep together every night after brushing our teeth. That was taken away from both of us. I would do just about anything, _anything at all_ , if I thought it might get us a second chance. I’ll pay any price. I’m with you, Paul. I love you.”

There was nothing Paul could do, nothing he could say. He could barely think.

So he pulled his love in for a kiss, just as they had done in the network all those weeks ago. But whereas that kiss had been full of the sorrow of goodbye, this one was joyful, the promise of something new.

The silver-blue spores danced around them, and the forest seemed to hum with energy as Hugh pulled him in deep, his hands in Paul’s hair, his breathing hot and desperate. Sharing each other’s emotions and sensations, feeling the love that death had done nothing to diminish, both knew that in all their past life, they had never been so intimately connected. Paul allowed all his worries, all his fear for the future to wash away, and simply lost himself on his lover’s lips.

When they finally broke apart, Paul saw the determination in Hugh’s eyes, and knew that it was time. Taking his hands, he reached out with his mind, back towards the Discovery, back towards the reality he was still tethered to by a rope of music, a single aria.

He felt the music swell around him once again, and by the look of surprise in his love’s eyes, he knew he could hear it too.

“Follow the music, Hugh. _Open your eyes.”_

 

xxxxx

 

Paul awoke slowly to the sound of many voices and frantic panicked movement. Engineering was full of people, but he could tell he was still plugged into the spore drive.

Somewhere close by he heard someone ( _Tilly?_ ) gasp.

And right next to him… he saw Hugh open his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I wanted to get the other chapters written and beta'd before I posted it. The other two should be posted fairly soon :)


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to @PhysicsIsLife and @30MinuteLoop for beta reading this chapter <3\. Both of them have awesome fanfics which you should check out if you haven't already ;)

It was a long time before Paul allowed himself to believe it. All through the many hours of frantic medical evaluations, stern questions and outpourings of shock and joy from his friends and crewmates, he still could not allow himself to truly acknowledge what had happened, what he had achieved.

The doctors wouldn’t let him see Hugh, not for the first few hours. Hell, they wouldn’t even let Paul leave his biobed; they were concerned for his physical and mental well-being after such a long exposure to the network. Finally, after satisfying themselves that he had suffered no side effects, they let him go.

When Paul reached Hugh’s biobed, he was met with a sight that left him weak with horror. Hugh was… _writhing_ . There really was no other way to describe it. A crowd of doctors was surrounding him, communicating in short urgent bursts. One of them moved aside, and Paul got a momentary glimpse of Hugh’s face. He was in _agony._

Paul might have collapsed right there if Doctor Pollard hadn’t caught him and started immediately providing reassurance. She explained that although Hugh’s body was still healthy, his mind was experiencing sensory overload from returning to physical form, and that it would take time for his brain to adjust to the rapidly re-growing neural pathways. Doctor Pollard used a lot of complicated medical jargon that no doubt Hugh would understand, but Paul just nodded along, his mind numb.

“Will he be okay?” he finally asked. That was the only thing that mattered, really.

Doctor Pollard took a deep breath. “Obviously there has never been a case like this, that we know of, in all of medical history. For that reason, we want to be cautious about making promises but... yes, for the moment it seems that once he’s had time to adjust, he will make a full recovery.”

“And then?”

“And then… we will have to do some tests to determine whether this is truly Hugh Culber. Scans of his brain, to see if they match with his past medical records. We already know his DNA is an exact match, of course, as that’s what you used to… create his body.”

Paul could definitely sense a slight edge to her voice during that last part. He supposed that was to be expected. “It’s him. It has to be him.” His voice sounded shaky, unsure.

Doctor Pollard bowed her head, speaking softly. “Well, I’m sure that of anyone, you would be the best person to judge.” She hesitated for a moment. “Lieutenant Commander… I mean, Paul. I hope it is him. Truly, I do. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how much we all cared for Hugh, those of us who were privileged enough to work with him, and how much we’ve all missed him. If you’ve truly managed to bring him back from the dead… well, it would be a _miracle_ , no matter what questionable things you may have had to do. I just wanted you to know that.”

Paul nodded, a lump forming in his throat. In his mind, he repressed all thought of the word _miracle_. He would not allow himself to believe. Not yet.

 

xxxxxxx

 

It wasn’t long before Paul was dragged up to the captain’s office to face the wrath of several holographic admirals who were all quick to inform him that while they were ‘ _impressed_ ’ that Paul’s ‘ _illegal experimentation_ ’ seemed to have been successful in restoring Doctor Culber, they were nevertheless ‘ _highly troubled_ ’ by the aforementioned ‘ _illegal_ ’ nature of the procedure and wanted to impress upon the Lieutenant Commander that he was ‘ _incredibly reckless_ ’ to take such a great risk and didn’t he know that he had jeopardised not only his own career but also ‘ _Starfleet’s reputation for strictly ethical conduct’_ and as a result there may be ‘ _serious repercussions_ ’ and on and on and on.

Paul listened calmly, not bothering to argue, only occasionally saying ‘Yes sir’ when there was an appropriate pause in the lecture. Eventually, they informed him that he would be temporarily relieved of duty, pending a court martial to determine his guilt or innocence. Paul just nodded, he’d expected that.

Commander Saru rode with him in the turbo lift back down to sick bay. He was surprised when Saru spoke.

“Lieutenant Commander Stamets, may I say that… although it is not my place to question the judgment of my superior officers, I personally am very impressed by your actions today. I know it could not have been an easy decision, putting your career on the line for such a risky endeavour, but I know that I and many others on this ship will be very happy to have Doctor Culber among us again. I am sure that... if you would wish for any help, there are any number of people in the crew who would be willing to help with your defence, at your court martial. You may consider me among them.”

Paul stared at him, touched to the core by his sincerity. “Thank you, sir,” Paul began, “But I knew what I was doing, and I’m willing to pay the price. I don’t want to bring anyone else down with me.”

“This crew has been through a lot together.” Saru said gently. “I am sure no one would be willing to abandon you and Doctor Culber in your time of need. We will all stand behind you. I believe that is what it means to be part of Starfleet.”

Paul nodded, swallowing back another lump in his throat. He’d always been pretty sceptical of Starfleet, and their actions during the war had done nothing but strengthen those feelings. But in Hugh, and in his crewmates, he felt that he’d seen the best of what Starfleet could be. He hoped that Saru was right about what Starfleet was, at its core.

 

xxxxx

 

It was several hours later that the doctors agreed to transport Hugh to their former quarters, heavily sedated, to spend the night. They informed Paul that when Hugh woke up, after a long period of rest, he should be well adjusted enough to deal with the outside world, but that it still may help him to be in familiar surroundings.

After the transport, Paul simply stood for a long time, watching his love once again sleeping in their bed. He became transfixed by the slow rise and fall of Hugh’s chest: that wonderful, reliable sign of life.

It wasn’t enough. Still he couldn’t believe.

Paul slowly changed into his standard Starfleet-issue pajamas, not once taking his eyes off of Hugh’s sleeping face. Longing for closeness, and the warmth of a bed that had been so cold for so long, he slipped quietly under the covers, still staring, still listening to the sound of his lover’s breathing.

In the darkness, Paul reached out his hand. He was sure that the doctors had given Hugh a strong enough dose of sedative that he wouldn’t wake up if a herd of elephants barged through the room. Still, his touch was soft, gentle, as he slowly moved his hand across his love’s torso, until it was on his chest.

And there it was. Hugh’s heartbeat. Beating out a slow, regular rhythm. Strong. Alive.

And finally… _finally_ … Paul believed.

The tears of joy that he’d been holding back all day came rushing to the surface, and Paul sobbed, pressing his face into Hugh’s shoulder, his hand gripping the front of his love’s shirt. His chest was still rising and falling, filling his lungs with oxygen, and his heart was pumping blood to every cell in his body, every part of him alive, the movement and the rhythm both simple testaments to that undeniable truth.

Biology had never been like this before. Biology was science, it was rational, it was truth. It was the subject that Paul had devoted his life to. Yes, it was the foundation of life, and the source of much wonder, but it was measurable, understandable, it made sense.

Biology had never before been miraculous. Science and miracles did not walk hand in hand.

Until now.

Slowly, wrung out from emotion, his love by his side, Paul fell asleep.

Home again at last.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks to @30MinuteLoop for beta reading this!

As he woke up, his consciousness slowly rising to the surface, Paul was suddenly struck by a memory. He remembered the morning after the first night he and Hugh had spent together, all those years ago. It had been a few months since their first meeting on Alpha Centauri, and after weeks filled with many hours of video chatting late into the night, they’d finally been able to meet again in person at a conference they were both attending. One practically _perfect_ date later, they’d gone back to Hugh’s apartment, both of them knowing they may be rushing things a little, but neither much caring. In the morning, Paul had woken up first. He remembered thinking at the time that he was sure he would never again be so happy; waking up in this man’s bed.

Paul had been proven wrong the very next day. That following morning, he had woken up first again, but in his own bed, with Hugh next to him. Somehow, even more intoxicating than waking up in Hugh’s bed had been watching Hugh sleep in his own.

And both of those experiences had been surpassed the morning after the two of them had transferred onto the Discovery together. For the first time, they weren’t waking up in Hugh’s bed, or Paul’s, they were waking up in _theirs._ The two of them. Together. And Paul had believed then that that was it. When it came to waking up, nothing would ever top that moment.

He’d been wrong again.

Waking up next to your partner after weeks of waking up cold and empty? Realising that everything that had happened the day before wasn’t all some cruel and beautiful dream? Nothing could compare to that.

As though they were in sync, Hugh was waking up too; Paul could see his eyelids fluttering. For a moment, he was almost afraid of what he would see in his eyes. And then they were open, and Paul was drowning in that warm rich brown that he’d missed so much.

He could still feel the connection between them, that almost tangible bridge between their two souls, sharing emotion as they had within the network. It wasn’t as strong, now that they were back in the physical world; the network had heightened everything. But still it was there. Paul suspected that it would never go away.

“Good morning,” he said. And then he almost had to laugh. The words seemed so trivial, so insufficient, after everything they’d been through.

“Hey,” Hugh said, smiling.

Paul reached out his hand to cup Hugh’s cheek, running his finger gently across his skin.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course. I’m with you.”

“The doctors said that you might feel overwhelmed.”

Hugh sat up slowly, propping his back against the headboard behind him. Paul did the same, his hand trailing down under the covers to find Hugh’s. He felt strong fingers grasping his own.

“A little,” Hugh admitted. “But it’s much better than yesterday. I feel okay. It’s just… a lot to get used to.”

“Of course.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, simply enjoying the feeling of togetherness.

“You brought me back to life,” Hugh finally said, slightly awestruck

Paul smiled. “I guess I did.”

“Leave it to you…” Hugh said, chuckling. “Leave it to you to find a way.”

“I had to. I had no choice.” Paul looked down, before deciding to elaborate.

“When you were gone… well, the first few weeks were almost easier, in a paradoxical way. We were still trying to escape the other universe, then we were fighting the Klingons. There was so much to do, so much to think about. It was a blessing. I could keep myself busy all day. I didn’t have to think about…you, or deal with it.” He took a deep breath, unable to stop the flood now the gates had opened. “But then suddenly… the war was over. We weren’t fighting for our lives every second. We were back on Earth and there was time to think. And all I could think about was how… everything that mattered to me was gone. I would never see you again.” He suddenly gave a small huff of laughter, remembering something. “They… Starfleet, gave you a medal by the way. It’s on the shelf over there.”

Hugh nodded and smiled, but did not move. With his eyes, he encouraged Paul to continue. After a few moments Paul spoke again.

“In a way… it might have been easier if I hadn’t seen you in the mycelial network after you died. For weeks, that memory of us saying goodbye was my only source of calm, but then it started to torment me. I couldn’t shake the thought that you might still be in there somehow. And that prevented me from being able to properly grieve. I couldn’t accept that you were gone, because I couldn’t be sure that you _had_.” Paul took a shaky breath. “And then I got the idea of creating a new body and… well, after that I don’t think there’s any way I wasn’t going to try. I knew all the risks. I knew it would be ethically questionable to say the least. I kept asking myself what you would do, in my place. But it didn’t matter. I knew I had to try. I could never find peace again if I didn’t.”

There were a few moments of silence. And then Paul felt Hugh’s hand on his cheek.

“I would have done the same.”

Paul looked up, surprised. “Really?”

“It might have taken me longer. But I would have done it eventually.”

“Wow... I guess I always thought you were the more sensible one....”

Hugh chuckled. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d have had no love for the idea of turning myself into a 23rd century Dr. Frankenstein. But you’re right. There could never be peace without knowing for sure. I couldn’t go on knowing that there was a _chance…_ that there was a _hope_ of being with you again.”

Paul reached up and placed his hand over Hugh’s, still cradling his cheek, smiling mischievously. “I guess it turns out that you’re just as crazy as I am, dear doctor”

Hugh rolled his eyes and Paul laughed. But he soon broke off and turned away, guilt in his eyes again.

“What is it?” Hugh asked, gently.

“Seeing you in the sick bay yesterday… If I’d known how much you were going to suffer when you came back to life…”

“It’s okay, Paul,” Hugh said automatically. “Like I said, I feel better now.”

“But… I still don’t understand what happened. I didn’t anticipate that response at all.”

“Well, there wasn’t a lot of sensory experience in the network. Returning to all the sensations of the physical world after such a long absence was pretty shocking. Especially in an unfamiliar body.”

Paul turned his head at that.

“Does it feel different? Your body, I mean.”

“Of course,” Hugh replied.

Paul waited for him to elaborate. But Hugh merely frowned and shook his head. “It’s difficult to explain.”

“I’m sorry. I should have known. I should have predicted that would happen. Maybe I could have made it easier for you if I’d just…”

“Paul,” Hugh said firmly. “You just brought me back to life. You literally just brought a person back from the dead. I think you can stop beating yourself up about tiny details, don’t you?”

Paul looked down, smiling sheepishly.

“Besides,” Hugh continued, “we knew there might be a cost, and if this is all it is, then I say we got off lucky.”

Paul nodded. “You’re right,” he said. He decided not to mention the other possible negative outcomes of his decision for the moment.

Unfortunately, Hugh’s mind was already three steps ahead. “Wait… what about Starfleet? Do you know what they’re going to do to you yet?”

Paul sighed, wishing he could put off this discussion. “They’ve temporarily relieved me of duty.”

Hugh could sense there was more. “And?”

“And I’m going to be court martialed.”

“What?!” Hugh’s voice was laced with anger.

“It’s okay, Hugh. I expected that.”

“No, it’s not okay. You perform a literal fucking miracle of science and they’re going to punish you for it? No way.”

Paul had, in the past, often found himself wishing that his calm, professional doctor would get righteously angry more often, as it could make him _very_ attractive. This time was no exception.

“What are you going to do if they bar you from service?” Hugh asked.

“I’ll do my research from home if I have to.”

“What if they send you to prison?” Hugh’s voice was laced with fear.

“Um… hopefully you’ll come and visit me?” Paul said, trying to lighten the mood.

“Stop,” said Hugh, sighing. “I can’t even think about that possibility right now. Let’s just… enjoy this moment, right?”

“That sounds perfect, my dear doctor.”

They lapsed into silence again, still holding hands, their heads inclined towards each other, their foreheads almost touching. The stillness was only broken by the sound of their breathing. Paul could still sense Hugh’s heart beating, as though he were more attuned to it now.

“What was it like? Being trapped in the network?” he finally asked.

“Lonely,” Hugh replied.

Paul heard the melancholy in his voice and turned to face him.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Hugh continued, “it is beautiful. And peaceful. You know that as well as I do. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of all those things you described when you started doing the jumps. All those possibilities… I would see flashes of those other universes. Ones where we never met, or ones where we did, but in a different way, in a different time in our lives. Universes where we were married and lived on Earth. Universes where we had children.”  

His voice broke slightly on the last word. Paul didn’t speak; he didn’t trust himself not to collapse.

“It broke my heart to see all those different versions of Hugh and Paul and know that we could never have what they had.” Hugh closed his eyes, shaking with emotion.

And then a blissful smile spread across his features. “But then you found me…”

Paul reached out again, cradling his face between his hands. “Always.”

Hugh turned his cheek, leaning into the touch, still smiling. After a few moments he spoke again. “You know, even this feels different.”

“What do you mean?” Paul replied, confused.

“When you touch me… it feels… new.”

Paul’s eyes widened. He hadn’t even thought of that.

“It’s the strangest thing,” Hugh continued. “In my mind… it’s completely familiar. I have every memory of when you would touch me before, and I know it hasn’t changed. I can _feel_ that it hasn’t changed. But to my body… it’s entirely new because it _is_ new. For this body at least. That’s what I meant before, about my body feeling different. It’s like I’m experiencing all these sensations for the first time. I guess it may take a while for muscle memory to catch up with my actual memory, you know?”

“I’m sorry… do you want me to stop? I should've asked before I…”

“No!” Hugh brought his hands up to grab Paul’s wrists, to stop them from moving away. “I want to remember. I want every part of me to become reacquainted with every part of you. In a way, it’s like I get to have the experience of falling in love with you again. For my body at least.”

Paul gazed into his love’s eyes, his heart racing, his soul dancing with joy.

“Well then, my dear doctor, would you like another first right now?”

Hugh smiled “What did you have in mind?”

And Paul kissed him. Softly, slowly at first, giving Hugh time to remember. Soon it would become familiar again, it would become second nature. But for now, they both allowed themselves to enjoy the excitement of the newness. And deep within their being, just for a moment, their connection flared up strong once more, as it had in the network. Bright and vibrant and alive and never to be broken again.

When they pulled back at last, there was no fear in Paul’s heart. Whatever challenges the future may bring, he could face them all with a smile. Because he had the one thing that mattered most.  

“I love you,” Paul said.

“I love you too,” Hugh replied.

And inside his head, Paul promised himself that he would say it. Every day.

For the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's read and enjoyed this! This was the very first fanfiction I've ever written and published, so any comments/feedback would be greatly appreciated! Let me know what you thought <3


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